I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
sick fucks of a feather flock together
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
