i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
