so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
