The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
