My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
