My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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