the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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