Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
