I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
