chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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