he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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