Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
