You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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