I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
