Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
