When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
