Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
