I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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