if only i could text you this smell
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Can you repeat that, but with context?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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