By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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