hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
