thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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