so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
