I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
