I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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