I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
