i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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