its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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