I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize