i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
