What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
