oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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