I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
