I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
