I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize