i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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