Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
