am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
