So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
