Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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