There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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