dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
