I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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