this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Life is so much better after having sex.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Randomize
