is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
