You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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