i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
