Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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