I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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