you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
