My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
