I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
