Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize