i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Randomize
