If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
