Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Randomize
