If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
