It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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