he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
