I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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