Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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