It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Brb crying the tears of my youth
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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