I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
