I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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