Well douche your snatch and let's go!
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
