Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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