I wish I only lived at night.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
